I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just pee around me
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
