Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize