Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
