The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
