you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
