You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
