You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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