if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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