Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
The best revenge is premature balding
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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