After last night, I could never be a politician.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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