so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
