Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
