If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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