I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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