You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
