if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
