I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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