I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
