defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
