last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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