he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
