I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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