Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
