Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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