But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
