My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
