I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
