i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize