Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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