My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
