there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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