I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
