sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
