Cold hands, warm shart.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I have aggressive nipples.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
