break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
