This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
