I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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