All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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