My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Randomize
