theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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