day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
