I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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