my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
whose parrot is this?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
