so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
