Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
