Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
