i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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