Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
