he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
