the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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