my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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