When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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