We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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