ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
