can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
