____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
