I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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