...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
