if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Randomize
