Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Randomize
