Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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