Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
