i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Your dad touched me again.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
