Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
