You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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