Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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