im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
