He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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