Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize