trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Small penises have feelings too.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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