the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
