Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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