No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
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